It’s not personal

But you haunt my dreams

Sushi

Indigestion

Two in the morning

And I’m awake again

Thinking of you

In the back row of my wedding

At the precipice of success

In the fights and failures

A terrifying omen

Waiting, watching

My mind is hyper-aware of you

It likes to remind me that you exist

A dagger in my stone cold heart

The wound scars over again and again

But you remain an imprint in my brain

My mind may never be free of you

One of its many phantoms

Be it so, so be it

I accept that it may have to be this way

I no longer expect rational thoughts

Let alone dreams and nightmares

And above everything, I remember

It’s not personal

But you haunt my dreams

The perfect couple

Wealthy, healthy, and happy

In spite of all the hidden scars

Inviting me into your life

Saying that you love me

When you never really have

And never saying you love me

When we have been such good friends

My mind conjures you in the night

A subconscious ideal object

A looming comparative judgement

The resentment is a compliment

I envy your success and miss our friendship

All the things I did not do

The potentials I failed to reach

Bounce toward me

Out of the darkness

Written into my DNA

As the bell rings

Time runs out

And dreams die

Another existential ghoul

The grade I did not get

The shot I did not take

The lady who did not love me

The woman I did not love

The man who said he did

When he didn’t

The ones I envy

The man I never was

The mentors I never had

The standards that judge me

The one who took the shots

The guy who got the girl

The smart and wealthy

The strong and healthy

The mind’s ideals

I may be these things for you too

One of those your mind loves to hate

An ideal you never reached

The guy who got away

A scar on your brain

It’s not personal

It seems absurd to say

How can something that takes up so much of your mental space be so trivial?

What about prophetic dreams?

And Hollywood endings?

Pardon me if I ignore them

I’ve seen too many movies

Read too many prophecies

Dreamed too many fanciful dreams

Awakened from too many nightmares

To give them more of my waking thoughts

The dramas persist

My mind is addicted to them

And the wounds and scars I carry

Are no more devastating than those I have dealt to others…

My mind craves perfection

But my body cannot abide it

My brain is doing its job as best it can

I cannot break my wild mind

Just as I could not tame you

And you could not reign me in

So you and I and our minds move on

Because my stomach is settling

It is three in the morning

And it’s not personal

Se la vie